Ask an autism expert: Why is everything a ‘no’?
by Anna James, Advanced Positive Behaviour Support (PBS) Practitioner and PBS Supervisor at Aspect
Question: “Why is everything a ‘no’? Supporting my Autistic teen with PDA.”
My 13-year-old son was diagnosed as Autistic last year. More recently we’ve been told he has a PDA profile. Lately, it feels like everything is a ‘no’ – from small things like getting dressed or brushing his teeth, to bigger things like going to school or leaving the house.
He often shuts down, gets upset, or tries to negotiate his way out of things, and I don’t know how hard to push or when to step back. I’ve been told he’s capable, but at home he seems overwhelmed by even simple requests. I’m worried I’m either expecting too much or not helping him enough.
How can I support him to manage everyday expectations without it turning into a constant battle?
Response:
It’s incredibly tough when it feels like every request is met with a firm “no”, especially when you know your child is capable. What you’re describing is very consistent with a PDA profile, where avoidance isn’t about being oppositional, but about managing a high level of anxiety.
For many young people with a PDA profile, everyday expectations can feel overwhelming. When a demand is placed, it can trigger a strong need to protect their sense of control and emotional safety. What might look like defiance or refusal is often a stress response, not a choice to misbehave.
A helpful starting point is to shift the lens from “how do I get them to comply?” to “what is making this feel too hard right now?” When we focus on reducing anxiety, we often see less resistance.
At Aspect, one of the most effective approaches we suggest is to reduce the sense of demand where possible. This might mean using declarative language to reduce the demands. For example, indirect statements like “I wonder if it’s time to get dressed” or “Shall we go to the park” and offering choices where you can. Even small changes can help your child feel more in control and maintain autonomy, which can reduce that immediate “no”. An equitable and flexible, collaborative approach is usually more effective than firm instructions or consequences.
It can also help to problem-solve together when things are calm. Approaching situations as equals who collaborate, is usually more effective than trying to problem solve for the PDAer. For example, “Mornings seem really hard lately. What do you think might make them easier?” Giving your child a say can reduce the need to push back.
Building trust is key. Letting your child know you understand how hard things feel, even if the task seems simple to you, can make a big difference. Feeling heard and supported helps reduce anxiety and makes them feel safe enough to engage.
It’s also important to recognise that emotional reactions, shutdowns or negotiations are often your child’s way of coping when demands create too much anxiety. Supporting them to regulate through breaks, sensory strategies, or simply reducing pressure in the moment, can help prevent situations from escalating.
Over time, by adopting a PDA approach, you can gently and gradually build tolerance for everyday expectations. Start small, celebrate success, and pace things according to your child’s capacity. Progress is often not linear, and that’s okay.
Finally, be kind to yourself. Finding the right approach takes time, and what works can change from day-to-day. You’re already doing something important by seeking to understand your child and adapt your approach.
What is PDA?
PDA is referred to as Pervasive/Persistent Drive for Autonomy or Pathological Demand Avoidance. It is characterised by an anxiety-driven need to resist and avoid everyday demands and expectations, often to protect a sense of autonomy and emotional safety. People with a PDA profile often experience extreme distress when they feel their autonomy is threatened and their avoidance is a coping strategy.
Can PDA be diagnosed?
Currently, PDA is not a formally recognised standalone diagnosis in the international diagnostic manuals like the DSM-5 or ICD-11. In Australia, PDA is typically understood as a profile of autism. There is growing recognition that PDA occurs with autism and ADHD, rather than separate conditions. That means someone might receive a diagnosis of autism and clinicians, educators or support teams might note that the person shows a PDA profile or presentation.
Additional resources
- Aspect PDA Information sheet – https://www.aspect.org.au/uploads/documents/Information-Sheets/PDA_InformationSheet_FA2.pdf
- Aspect podcast – Pathological demand avoidance and autism strategies – https://a-different-brilliant.captivate.fm/episode/pda-and-autism
- Laura Kerby – Support and advice for families of neurodivergent children with Pathological Demand Avoidance https://p-ast.co.uk/
- Kristy Forbes – Intune Pathways advocation and education on Pathological Demand Avoidance https://www.kristyforbes.com.au/
- Pathological Demand Avoidance Society: pdasociety.org.uk
- Reframing Autism – PDA and Autism: A Guide for Families: reframingautism.org.au/pathologicaldemand-avoidance-pda-and-autism-guidefor-allies
About Anna, Aspect Therapist
Anna James is an Advanced Positive Behaviour Support (PBS) Practitioner and PBS Supervisor at Aspect. Anna holds a Bachelor of Special Education and Disability Studies (double degree) and a Graduate Diploma of Psychology. She supports children and adolescents with complex behaviours, including demand avoidant autism profiles, school avoidance, and key educational transitions such as daycare to school and primary to secondary settings. She employs a person-centred, neurodiversity-affirming approach that prioritises wellbeing and quality of life.
About Aspect
Aspect (Autism Spectrum Australia) is one of Australia’s largest autism-specific service providers, with one of the world’s most extensive autism-specific educational programs. Celebrating 60 years in 2026, Aspect is a not-for-profit organisation working in partnership with people of all ages on the autism spectrum to co-develop, co-produce and co-deliver supports and services that are individualised, goal driven and grounded in evidence-based practices.
