My Autistic child is struggling with classmates. How can I help?
by Jessica Degrassi, Positive Behaviour Support and Safeguarding Manager at Aspect Therapy
Question: “My child is having a hard time with peers at school. How can I understand what's going on and support him?
Recently, we've had a few calls from school about my 10-year-old Autistic son hitting, pushing and yelling at other children when he gets upset. He’s usually a happy kid so I’m not sure what’s triggering it.
I don't want other children to be hurt, but I'm also concerned that he’ll be seen as the "naughty" or difficult child by his teachers and classmates. He wants to have friends but sometimes finds social situations difficult. I'm worried about what this could mean for his friendships and about school in the long term.
I know he’s not setting out to hurt anyone, so I want to understand what might be happening for him in those moments. How can we work out what's behind the behaviour, and what can I and the school do to support him?
Response:
It can be really difficult when things change for your children and when it appears they may not be coping at school. It’s great that you are trying to seek answers and understand why this might be occurring.
Behaviour happens for a reason. He might be experiencing sensory overload, struggling to understand a social interaction, feeling anxious, frustrated by a change or demand, trying to escape an uncomfortable situation, or responding to something else entirely.
There are a few ways we can start to work out the why. And when we know why the behaviour is occurring, we can then start to plan additional supports that your child might need at school.
Look for patterns
Start by working with the school to understand what is happening before, during and after these incidents.
Ask questions such as: Where does it usually happen? Is it in the playground, classroom or during transitions? Who is around? What happened immediately beforehand? Is there lots of noise or activity? Was there an unexpected change? What did another child say or do? What happens afterwards?
Keeping brief notes about incidents over a few weeks can help identify patterns that aren’t obvious when looking at individual events. The school can also help look at these patterns and provide insights into situations that make the behaviour more likely. Consider having some meetings with the school to get everyone on the same page.
Work together on proactive supports
Once you have a better understanding of possible triggers, you can start changing what happens before your son reaches the point of hitting, pushing or yelling.
For example, if the playground is overwhelming, could he access a quieter space or structured activity? If particular social situations are difficult, could a teacher help him navigate them? If transitions are stressful, could he have advance warning? If he becomes overwhelmed in class, could you agree on a way for him to communicate “I need a break” before things escalate?
The goal isn’t simply to stop a behaviour. It’s to give your son safer, more effective ways to have his needs understood and met.
It’s also important that everyone responds consistently. Talk with his teacher and support team about what helps him regulate, what early signs of distress look like and what they can do when they notice them. The focus should be on reducing stress and helping him regain a sense of safety, rather than punishment.
Protect relationships as well as safety
Your concern about friendships is important. Repeated incidents can affect relationships, but being labelled the “naughty kid” can also shape how other people respond to your son and how he begins to see himself.
When things go wrong, support him to repair relationships in a way that is meaningful and appropriate for him. That might involve checking whether another child is okay, talking through what happened later, or finding another way to reconnect. Avoid forcing an apology while he is still distressed.
And notice the positive moments too. When he manages a difficult interaction, asks for space, uses a strategy or enjoys time with another child, acknowledge it. Those successes help everyone understand what works.
A PBS practitioner may be able to provide additional support and engagement with the school to facilitate better understanding and consistency. They can help ensure strategies are put in place across environments.
Ultimately, we want your son to feel safe, understood and included at school, while ensuring the people around him are safe too. Understanding what is happening beneath the behaviour is an important first step.
Additional resources:
- a different brilliant® What is Positive Behaviour Support? podcast
- Guide To Positive Behaviour Support – Digital eBook written by Aspect staff
- Aspect Positive Behaviour Support – Part 1 and 2 Webinar Series (for children aged 6 to 15 years old)
- “Positive Behaviour Strategies to Support Children and Young People with Autism” by Martin Hanbury
- Regulation: supporting Autistic students
About Jessica Degrassi
Jessica is an Educational and Developmental Psychologist and an Advanced/Specialist Behaviour Support Practitioner with more than 14 years of experience working alongside individuals on the autism spectrum. She currently serves as the Positive Behaviour Support and Safeguarding Manager at Aspect Therapy.
About Aspect
Aspect (Autism Spectrum Australia) is one of Australia’s largest autism-specific service providers, with one of the world’s most extensive autism-specific educational programs. Celebrating 60 years in 2026, Aspect is a not-for-profit organisation working in partnership with people of all ages on the autism spectrum to co-develop, co-produce and co-deliver supports and services that are individualised, goal driven and grounded in evidence-based practices.
